Found in a dumpster behind the Bierman Building

Dear Tim,
First of all, I really have to say that your wife cooks a mean cinnamon roll.  I know you aren't a part of Joel's Monday morning coaching meetings anymore, but someone brought in your wife's rolls this past week and we all agreed they went well with Wendy's quiche.  She's such a friggin' suck up.  Everyone knows that the rowing team has more time to cook than the rest of us.  It's just not fair.
Anyway, what I really wanted to do was thank you for taking all the heat for our department.  Joel needed a patsy and it was great that you could step up.  Your program hasn't won at an elite level since I was a kid and you have to go all the way to Texas to recruit.  Your travel budget must be huge!   I should really try to get some of that cash before the new guy comes in.  God knows I don't need it to travel for recruiting since our state is filled with blue chippers, but I noticed during post game hand shakes that John and Grant still have the same suits as last year....so I thought new suits would really help morale.  You see we lost 2 in a row to a team that has never played in our conference before and it wasn't even close.  So it's nice that you could take some of the heat this weekend because Joel might start to notice soon.
It's gonna be really hard around here without ya.  Everyone is still talking about your replacement and making snide jokes about your tenure.  It's been wonderful for me because now I can operate without any attention.  Hell, in 2002 when we were fighting to get into the tournament, my assistants and I were logging 60-70 hours a week on film and game planning.  Once you came and opened the building every morning 5:30 it took the pressure off all of us.  Joel just assumed we were all working.  Last week I didn't watch Nebraska-Omaha film until Thursday.  I was so surprised that they back checked so hard on Friday night that I had to slip Tim Walsh a hungee just to start calling penalties.
So Tim you will be missed, we all needed someone to raise expectations of our fans and take the pressure off of us.  Joel hasn't been to Mariucci for a whole game in 2 years and I have hidden the attendance numbers.  The search for your replacement should take another month and a half or so, by that time all the expectations for my program will be gone and by the looks of those attendance figures apathy will have set in.  There's nothing I like more than apathy.  I won 2 national titles dammit I deserve to rest! 
I wish you the best in Austin with Mack and someday I want you to explain how you got your accent growing up in New Jersey.
Sincerely,
Don

P.S. the envelope is under the dead grass in the lockeroom at TCF.  You'll notice it's a little thick.  Borton put in a little more this week.  She has some extra cash after 2 of her assistants quit.  Life is great at the Maturi Country Club!  Just sad that we lost our patsy.